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Sunday, October 23, 2011

I'm Home

I’m back after nearly a month, some the worse for wear.  I have written extensively in my journal about Parrish.  I’m not sure I’m ready to share all the feelings around that.  I’m considering beginning a new blog devoted to him.  
The short version:  
Parrish is back in Florida and enrolled in a program for patients with dual diagnoses complicated by alcohol or drug abuse.  It is 5-1/2 days a week, and he seems to be enjoying it.  He is in a new assisted living facility in Lauderhill.  I think he is okay today.  Today, he sounds sober and well medicated.  Today.
I was down in the back with muscle spasms for much of the time Parrish was in Georgia.  
I fell off a (short) ladder and sprained my right wrist - the one I broke last October.  I’m in a splint and it is slow to heal.
I have made the decision to surrender my rescued Boxer, Sugar, back to Save-A-Pet.  Honey, my 8 year old Lhasa Apso, cannot adjust to him breathing the same air as she does.  For six months, I have tried to make peace between them, but now Sugar is starting to fight back.  Honey is no match for him.  He’s a wonderful dog, and I am already grieving his loss.
Losing Sugar has, I think, reactivated my grief for Clint.
Fall weather is here, and I have once again begun sleeping in The Red Sweater.  It’s warmth and softness give me a feeling of security, a sense of Clint’s presence.  Yes, I still sprinkle it with Old Spice and inhale the scent of my One True Love.  It’s a bittersweet time for me, having the comfort of The Red Sweater along with the emptiness of Clint’s absence.
I still struggle with my loss, shedding tears almost daily.  I am told that one day it will cease being so painful, but I have no yet come to that place.

© 2011 cj Schlottman


Linda @ A La Carte said...

I am glad you are home and that for the moment Parrish is well cared for. I am now in Texas as my brother is in the last stages of his disease and will live a month or two only. My Mom is 81 and I am needed here. Sending you hugs! Linda

BECKY said...

CJ, do take care of yourself...physically and emotionally. You can take all the time you want and need to grieve for Clint. It's YOUR grief. Just don't let it overtake who you are. Try to find something every day, no matter how insignificant it may seem,to be grateful for and feel joy.

KeLLy aNN said...

Old Spice....my dad used to wear it, and the Chook Man also wears it regularly.
Love it.
Glad you're back and hoping you rest up and heal peacefully and wholly!

Adrienne said...

Sending you thoughts and prayers for strength, peace and rest. You have been handed so much - and meet your challenges with courage. I hope that knowing we are "out here" reading and caring helps in some little way!

Dazee Dreamer said...

oh my dear. back spasms are the worst. I feel for you. And your poor wrist.

I'm glad to hear that Parrish right now is doing ok. You are a good mom.

Viki said...

I'm happy things are more settled with your son. I know how much you miss Clint. Because you life has been so difficult lately, I'm sure this has brought up even your missing Clint more. Just keep on hanging on; this will pass and things will get better. I pray this for you.

cj Schlottman said...

Thanks, all you wonderful people. I am so happy to be back in the fold of my blogging family. Each of you has added to my life, and I thank you.


The Bipolar Diva said...

It's just probably me but I really don't like how one emotion can bring up a million more. It's overwhelming to me. I think that's why I avoid any movie or conversation that has the slightest chance of making me cry.
I'm glad you have the red sweater and it's comforting memories. When I lost my dad I took some of his shirts. When things get bad, those are what I go for. Missed you.

Sue said...

I'd be wearing that red sweater too, in your place. Why ever not? And I'd be putting the Old Spice on it as well, as it happens to be the same scent my husband wears.

I'm glad Parrish is doing better. I hope you can just relax and be gentle with yourself now that you have a breather with him. You need to fill your cup again after all this stress.

I am thinking of you and hoping for some more peaceful days ahead.


Katie Gates said...

CJ, I'm glad to see you back in the blogosphere, but I am so sorry for what you have been through/are going through. I have no words of wisdom. Just know you're in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best as you continue to heal.

Anonymous said...

Good to have you back CJ. You are probably nearer to the pain easing than you think right now. It's that old adage of 'two steps forward, one step backward' - Grief is reactivated by the smallest things as well as the biggest. That aside, you are a bit accident prone of late I feel! Goodness, don't know about the red sweater, maybe body armour? Take care and you have done the right thing with Sugar - he will find another good home i am sure.

Darlene said...

Wow! You have had such bad luck lately. I feel so sorry with you having to carry such a hard load. I do hope that Parrish is doing better now that he seems to having some decent care. Having your wrist in a splint is not so great either. Hope it heals soon. I am sorry too about having to take Sugar back. Too bad the dogs couldn't get along but you were right to do what you did. Hopefull they will find a nice home for him. Take care C.J.

Athena said...


As the others have said, I'm so glad you are back.

Grief isn't a destination, it is a constantly moving target. If I've learned nothing else in this life, it is to embrace the feelings as they come and try to understand their place in my world.

Be well, friend. Take care of you.