05/17/10
When I first typed the date above, this is what it looked like: 10/17/05. It’s a perfect example of how I feel.
The tears, the paralyzing, sobbing kind, began on Thursday, and they are still with me often. On that day, after having a pep talk with myself, I drove to the AT&T store to clear up some minor issues
with my Blackberry. Then I drove back home, skipping the grocery store altogether. So much for the fucking pep talk. After I drove into my garage, I collapsed onto the steering - sobbing uncontrollably.
Working around the house offered no comfort, so I listened to Proust for a while. You cannot listen to Proust and cry. But I got tired of having to concentrate on him, and went to bed for a while, calling Lisa for a ride to Bonehead. I didn’ t feel I could drive - too many tears.
My dogs stayed close to me in my bed, sharing their warmth with my chilled spirit. I was determined to get out of the house. I didn’t hear from Lisa, so I dressed and drove alone to the restaurant.
No wrecks either going or coming - except in my heart.
I spent the weekend mostly in bed, felling drained of all energy, both emotional and physical. I made myself take the dogs for walks both days. I knitted a little, but nothing penetrated the sadness, and I was too distracted to read more than a few pages of NIN’s A Spy in the House of Love.
And now it’s Monday morning, and I’ve been awake since 1:00 AM, sometimes weeping, sometimes not. I tried yoga but only made it through half of my practice.
Jesus. This is awful. Just typing it has been an ordeal. I give. Uncle. This is all I have in me today.
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