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Sunday, July 18, 2010
Searching for Myself
I began to wonder from whom I have been hiding. Why was it so necessary, at a gut level, to look a part, fit in with my friends and all the blonde celebrities? Was I afraid of the real me? Did I worry that, if I were a curly-haired brunette, the real world wouldn’t see me as hip and well put together?
Then I remembered Rosanne Roseannadana from “Saturday Night Live.” and began to wonder if she were the stereotype I was trying to avoid. If so, then why? She was a fictional character played by a brilliant comedienne, successful and in one piece.
But then I began to wonder if any of us in in one piece. Of course not. We are many pieces, many people as we are called upon by life’s circumstances to be different people at different times.
But back to me. Letting my wild hair go natural has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life. After Clint’ death, I knew that it would be necessary for me to carve out my own identity, to be my own person and no longer his wife. I don’t know how to be a professional widow. I have to find myself in a world without Clint.
Figuring out who I am has not been easy. I am, as they say in the old cliché, a work in progress. I was surprised recently when I felt a sexual attraction to a man, an old friend. I guess that is growth, one hint that I am working my way back into the world of men and women and sexual desire. When Clint died, I was completely certain that I would never want another man in the sexual sense. I have not yet made the leap. I believe that I am more lonely than needy. To embark on an affair now would be harmful to me and unfair to my friend. I still want Clint.
So, here I sit at my keyboard, wondering what my future holds. I start work on July 26, and in many ways, my job will be key in defining just who I am. It’s scary, and I am anxious, but at the same time, I am eager now to walk down the road to find cj without Clint.
Lately, I have spent too much time on memes and reading and commenting on other’s memes. I do not consider it time wasted, but I do believe I have neglected this story, and I intend to spend more time here than elsewhere in the land of blogs. I have a poem rolling around in my head like a pinball. I need to let it spill out and see where it takes me.
I’m off to start the laborious task of putting a poem together. Look for it in the next few days.
© cj Schlottman 07/18/10