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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Ennui - Again

02/12/2011

What makes a writer avoid writing? For two days, I have been dodging my laptop, haven’t even checked my email or looked to see what Jenny Matlock is up for this week’s Saturday Centus. Thinking about writing a blog post to publish sets butterflies flapping around in my stomach.

Today, I have washed three loads of laundry, walked for an hour on the treadmill carrying a three pound weight in each hand, brushed the dog, attacked my bathroom with the Swiffer vac, washed my hair, picked up yard trash created by the recent winds. I turned on the TV and tuned to the PGA golf tournament at Pebble Beach. All this to avoid writing.

I used to watch golf tournaments with Clint on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Now, doing so just makes me miss him more than usual, so I did some channel surfing to find something else to keep me company and found, well, nothing. There are dozens of channels to choose from, but I can’t get worked up over programs with names like Lobster Wars or Real Housewives of Atlanta or Cupcake Wars. College basketball holds no appeal for me. Nor does rugby. I finally settled on a tennis tournament, then realized it was a rerun from last year.

I’m certain I should be watching some news channel or other to stay current on the situation in Egypt, or what our congress is up to or how many people were killed today in Iraq and in other places all over the world, but I’m not up to that. So, I chose a music channel called Soundscapes. Clint used to call it the yoga music channel.

Ennui. I’ve written about it before. Trying too hard never solves anything, so, I’m going to stop trying to write and, instead, read some posts from the blogs I follow. Then maybe I'll do some yoga - or not.

© cj Schlottman

8 comments:

Linda @ A La Carte said...

I sometimes feel like I have nothing to say but like I should. Sometimes it's ok to be silent!

Kat said...

I find that when I don't "try" to write, the words flow more easily. When I make a schedule and sit down to write, I usually get bupkis. Your muse will return when she's good and ready. This too will pass. Sending you hugs! Kat

Green Monkey said...

:) I do know what you mean. I used to save writing, like a prize. I only did it after all the work was done. Now I've changed my schedule. I write immediately after I drop my husband Mark off at the train. I used to exercise then go to the office by 10. now I write till from 7 to 11, 12 if I'm close to a post. exercise or not, and slide into the office just in time for lunch. I stay there until 6:45 - when its time to pick my husband up from the train. It's not a full day, but its enough. We're not getting any younger.

I understand you missing Clint forever. I found my third husband late in life and I worry about him passing too soon. I know that death is possible and life without him feels impossible.

I am just returning from my first husbands funeral. I wrote about him in a recent post called Life Lessons. We stayed friends all these years and his death is bothering me more than I had prepared myself for. He lived with a lovely woman. She also lost her first husband.

Loss is so hard. Okay... this maybe my way of avoiding writing my next post - where I ask the question "how do you want to be remembered"

(((((big hug))))))))) Shannon

brennanbogert said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your stories and images are amazing and so touching.

thingy said...

Thank-you for visiting my blog and leaving a lovely comment.

Writing is a catharsis for me, but sometimes just folding warm towels feels good, too. : )

Sue said...

I agree with Kat. The words will come when they're good and ready.

In the meantime, I will be thinking about you and hoping the ennui departs sooner than later.

Hugs.

=)

Katie Gates said...

It sounds like you've been damn productive not writing! So funny, the procrastination that occurs. I remember, many years ago, when I was sharing an apartment in NYC. My roommate, Jonathan, entered the kitchen to find me defrosting the freezer in an aggressive, Freddy Kreuger manner (i.e., I was hacking away at the ice walls with a knife). He waited a moment, and then said, rather quietly, "I see you're writing."

injaynesworld said...

You've just hit on the universal writer's dilemma. I go through the same thing all the time. Writing is damn hard work and on those rare times that it just flows, I kiss the ground with gratitude.

I think you just wrote a darn good post about avoiding writing, you clever lady.