First, Forgive Yourself

“Patients weep when they discover they are their own victimizers and not the victim of others. They weep when they discover they are responsible for their own suffering. As I expose an imaginative, subjective interpretation, their world changes according to their concept of it, their own vision.” Anaïs Nin - Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume 2, 1934 - 1939

After much anxiety and weeping and self-doubt, I am here to put the story of the Man Friend to bed - forever. There is plenty of blame to go around, and like Nin’s “patients,” I have discovered my responsibility for my own suffering.

I did and said things I should not have done and said, I left unsaid things I should have said, I acted in ways that are anathema to my authentic self, and I am here to own up to it. I have not and will not reveal secrets. That, at least I can claim as a personal victory.

I take responsibility for not getting out of the relationship with the Man Friend last summer when it became obvious that he did not have my best interests at heart, that he was unable or unwilling to forgive me for my mistakes. I knew he was a heavy drinker, (which he admits) and I had been warned by others that he was capable of turning on me without provocation, but I simply did not believe them. I admit that I was so needy and lonely that I allowed him to hurt me on more than one occasion, then took him back. There. I said it. I was weak. I do not blame him for my weakness. I was needy. I do not blame him for my neediness. I’m not weak now. He unwittingly forced me to reach into myself and find the strength I forgot was there.

I have forgiven myself for my mistakes, and having learned valuable lessons about my own weakness and naiveté, as well as my strengths, this is my last post on that chapter of my life.


© cj Schlottman