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Sunday, April 1, 2012

Great Expectations Dashed - For Now

I bragged too soon.  It happened so quickly.  Though to a lesser degree than before, my wobbliness, my memory and my altered judgment have returned.  I’m not having a great deal of trouble with typing, so I can manage it so far.  I am again losing words, which makes any kind of communication difficult.  I feel as though someone sneaked up behind me and draped a heavy wet blanket over me.  It is hot and heavy.  It is disorienting and blinding and feels dangerous, as though the prickly heat will chew away at my skin until I have too little strength to fend it off.  It is terrible to feel this way.  I can't escape the knowledge that my illness literally paralyzed.  

I fell last night, fell right out of bed while reaching for the lamp switch.  The bruises are impressive.  

I am afraid.   I am very afraid.  The thought of sliding back into the black hole renders me terrified.  What am I doing wrong?  Shit.  That was a hypothetical question.  I’m going to contact my psychiatrist tomorrow.  I think this setback may be triggered by the fact that I am going to lose my job.  I’ve exhausted my leave, and my MD emphatically insists that I cannot possibly return to work in two weeks.  She is right, of course.  I wonder just how long it will be before I can say I feel like myself for more than a few days.  

I will stick to my plan, my self-imposed schedule that seems to help me stay centered.  It’s a sort of mental hygiene.  I plan my days around things that promote sanity.  

I get up when I am rested and ready.  I feed the dogs and give myself the first hour and a half of my day.  I use that time to keep my journal.  I drink coffee and make breakfast.  I may waste a little time playing solitaire or watching old episodes of NYPD Blue.  Remember, this is my time.

When my time is up, I clean my kitchen.  I think I may be a little anal about it, but this is my schedule and I made it for me.  I sweep and wipe the counters and sink.  Then I mop.  I use a little Swiffer mop, so it really doesn’t really count as mopping.  Right?  It takes about 20 minutes.

I walk Honey for about a mile and a half.  

I bathe and practice yoga.

Then there is more time for me. I work on this blog and on the new one, as yet untitled, about depression and how it has affected my life and the lives of everyone around me, even my dogs.

Most days, at about 4:00 PM, I drive all the way across town to Barnes and Noble where I drink a latte and eat a scone and write some more.  Sometimes  I drive through at Mickey D’s on the way home and get a couple of cheese burgers for Honey and Belle.

I have given myself some flexibility with my schedule, else it would become another source of guilt and angst.

I am fighting, doing everything I can to cast off the wet blanket.  I will beat it back and throw it in a pile until it’s dry enough to burn, burn like a bonfire, relieving me of some of it’s poisons.  



7 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think that you have been through a lot in your life, and I am impressed that you are making time for you. ((hugs))

Viki said...

Just keep hanging on until you to talk to the doctor and see what suggestions he/she has for you. You can come out the other side, I know it. You are strong..

Linda @ A La Carte said...

CJ I am glad you are blogging about this. I know you can make it...keep hanging on!

Sue said...

I think your schedule is a good idea, CJ. I know it helps both my mom and sister who have experienced depression on and off in their lives.

You are in my prayers.

Hugs.

=)

BECKY said...

CJ, you are definitely right in taking care of YOU first. YOUR schedule...for YOU. It sounds like a wonderful schedule to me! :)
I hope your doctor is a fantastic one. Thinking of you....

Deborah J Barker said...

Ah CJ, I recall the weight of that grey cloud that settles on one's shoulders in times of true depression. Shifting it is not easy but you are getting there. I hear it in your words. I cannot comment using Wordpress but hopefully, this reaches you. X

injaynesworld said...

You're clearly a fighter, CJ. Your schedule is impressive. That you're getting out and going to Barnes & Noble and walking your dog -- all good things.

Yes. It is your time. Dote on your sweet self in every way, my friend.