#14 - Out of the hole

 01/15/10

The clouds are back and it’s not cold, so I am basking in the gloom because I can write outside without any glare on my laptop screen.

I had not been out of the house for 5 days, and yesterday, a friend of many years blasted me out to go to the movie - “It’s Complicated” - an hilarious romp that I think one needs to be at least 50 to fully appreciate.  Definite not a flick for anyone with a bladder control problem.

I came home and floated seamlessly back into the ennui of the black hole  Usually when I’m depressed, I have no appetite, but before I went to bed, I had consumed 5 huge homemade oatmeal-raisin cookies (Kristy made them for me), a ton of Cheerios, some yogurt which I laced liberally with toasted almonds.  If there had been ice cream or chocolate in the house, I would no doubt have eaten it all.  I went to sleep feeling cheated because I couldn’t find anything else to eat except a salad kit, which seemed way too healthy for the binge I was enjoying.  Oh, and I drank a lot of vodka.

I woke this morning to find myself, well, feeling like myself.  No black hole so far.  Even the clouds are my friends. After I let them out to pee at 6:45, the dogs let me sleep until nearly 10 .  I’m thinking about calling a friend and making a dinner date.

Maybe my wounds are beginning to scab over, trying to heal from the edges inward.  I almost hesitate to say that, even though I’m not superstitious, it seems a little like bragging too soon.  I’ve been writing poems, and though they are difficult to write, I am finally feeling some comfort from creating them.  I’ve stopped crying ALL the time and have even seen a couple of no-crying days.

Is that really light I see?  How long will it last?  Have I broken some of the marionette strings that keep me flipping and flopping in midair,  jerked out of a few moments of peace and made to dance to a tune I never knew, breaking open my wounds?

...................It started to rain, so I came inside and put way my Christmas decorations. My friend reminded me yesterday that it was January 15 and maybe I should do something about them.   The fact that it took only 20 minutes speaks volumes about my so-called holiday spirit.  I’m so fucking glad it’s over and my stuff is out of sight - except for a small stack of kids Christmas books that I put out every year.  I’m thinking, I’m thinking.  Where should I put them?  Not in the attic.  I’ve already been up there twice, risking life and limb, and even (in the rain) to the playhouse in the back yard that we inherited with the house.  It has electricity, water and an A/C unit, so it’s a good store house.  I’ll do something with the books later.

I do lead an exciting life.