# 13 Suspended

01/10/10
I am suspended in the black hole, floating around in the dark and not scrambling toward the dim light I can see above me.  Instead, I dangle helplessly, without struggling or scratching the walls or searching for footholds to climb.

An evening with friends could not bring me up completely to the light, so I pretended, a skill of which I have become something of an expert.

I am afraid of this black hole but thankful for the invisible web that holds me up and at the same time prevents my descent.  What will come of this?  Am only half depressed, semi-crazy?  Will I find the fortitude, the balls to brush aside the sticky web and take my chances?

My fear of the hole overrides any hope I may hold of acsending to the light.  I do not feel strong enough to fight.  Even The Red Sweater offers little comfort.  What shall I do?  Wait to see what will happen?  I guess so.

My dream last night was about Clint and me trying to have sex with another woman.  I didn’t know the other woman.  She was brunette and very beautiful and had a long stunning body.  We were in some kind of water tank, which made a menage a trois impossible. It made intercourse ridiculously unworkable because none of us could brace ourselves and stop floating long enough for penetration.  I woke aroused and disappointed.

It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to figure that out. Even my dreams are in suspension.  What a fucking mess.  No pun intended.