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Saturday, January 22, 2011

And Things Get Worse

Those of you who read this blog know that I am having problems working through my grief after the loss of my husband, Clint, nearly 19 months ago. I have taken great strides and I have had some setbacks. I can’t endure another day without the silent butler, and I intend to put it back where it belongs. I had thought to shop for a bookcase to put in that spot, and I will do that, but until I have the bookcase, the silent butler will go back in our room, and I will replace everything that was on it. I feel better just writing that down.

My former Man Friend has lost his mind, become paranoid and psychotic. Last Sunday night, he sent me the most cruel text message one could imagine. I have never been treated like that. Never. He has it in his head that I am trying to take his friends away from him, and in incredibly cruel terms told me to stay away from our mutual friends. He accused me of appropriating his friends and relationships and called me intrusive and said I made everyone uncomfortable. One of the most strange things about this is that he was talking about a group of people with whom we have eaten supper at our club on Sunday nights from time to time. He is not close to even one of them. They are his acquaintances, and he does not have anything approaching a relationship with any of them. One of the women is my good friend.

I have no idea where this all came from. It’s as though his head spun around and did a 180, suddenly and without explanation, stopped being my friend and started to despise me in the most vehement of ways. And it hurt my feelings. This man has been my friend for years. We’ve had a few rough patches like friends do, but I considered him a trustworthy and loyal friend. I did text him back and tell him that he would never dictate where and with whom I would take my meals. I advised him to stay away from the club on Sundays if he doesn’t want to be around me.

Now for the worst part of all. Back when we were friends, the MF and I shared a great friendship with another woman. He has been in love with her for a long time, but she has been involved in a nasty divorce for two years. It is finally coming to an end, so they can start dating soon.

I thought this woman was my friend, but when I read the text message to her, she became his apologist! She never said a sympathetic word or condemned his language. If the tables were turned, I would have worried about her, not taken up for the guilty one. She tried to tell me that I had never officially been invited to join the Sunday group, so I informed her that I had been invited by two of the members who encouraged me to get out because Sunday is a cruel day for me, the day I miss Clint the most. There was no animus between us, but the friendship is over as far as I am concerned. A true friend would have condemned is cruelty, even if she were in love/lust with the man.

I realize this is journaling online, so forgive me, please. I need to spill this out to someone, and you all understand.

One last little dollop of cream on the top: When I was working out at the club gym today, they came in together. I was finishing up and as I was going to the door, I spoke to her (I was raised not to be rude) and ignored him. I realized I had a set of keys to his house that I was going to drop off at her house and decided there was no time like the present. So, I took the keys to her, put them in a cubby hole - she all smiles all the time. As I was walking out, he said in a voice loud enough for the entire room to hear, “I already changed the locks!” Thank God 99% of the people had ear buds inserted and probably could not here.

Think I have been used? Yes. They both used me so they could be together, forever inviting me out to dinner. I was their unwitting chaperone. Now they no longer need me, so he has kicked me to the curb and she has changed into a person who apparently condones his actions.

Live and learn.

© cj Schlottman - 01/22/1011


Sue said...

Sorry, CJ. It's always so hard to be let down by friends.


PS. You should do what feels right to you about the silent butler. There are no rules or time frames you have to follow. In fact, you don't have to move it at all, if you don't want to.

Linda @ A La Carte said...

"Friends" like that are not worth your time. It hurts but they are in the wrong. I agree with Sue, no time table on when you are ready to replace items that have those memories for you...put the silent butler back. You will know when to try again.

Kat said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this C.J. They don't sound like the type of "friends" that you need, particularly right now. And I'm with Sue and Linda. Put the silent butler back. If it gives you comfort, that can only be a good thing. Maybe one day you'll be ready to move it again. Perhaps not. Whatever works for YOU is what matters. Sending big cyber hugs, Kat

KeLLy aNN said...

well hell, that sucks.
I've been blindsided like that.
all i can think of is the line from BubbleBoy "Have you ever been karmically bitch slapped by a six armed Goddess?"
Yep, Karma happens.

The Silent Butler is silent no more.

You are loved.

Katie Gates said...

I'm so sorry to hear of this chapter, cj, but it sounds like a case of "well rid of them!"

I hope the silent butler has returned to its spot and is providing you with comfort.

Don't rush the grieving process!

deborahjbarker said...

A friend you can well do without I fear CJ. My mother once told me (having been widowed herself) that many of her 'friends' considered her as threat in her newly single state.People are odd at times and who knows what goes through their minds. Be well rid and remember you have a right to grieve and to have good days and bad, to change your mind again and again. If the Silent Butler speaks to you, keep it! Debbie