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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Fighting the Slide Backwards

Depression is a cunning bastard. It sneaks up on one when least expected and has its way with you. I find myself in transition from one medicine to another, and this morning, I woke feeling as though an ague had overtaken my body. I even took my temperature as my head was aching and my entire body felt as though I had been without sleep for days, though I logged in nine hours last night. My limbs are fatigued and my stomach is just short of nauseated, queasy enough to make me miserable.

For those who don’t suffer from this cruel condition, it may be news that it doesn’t just affect your spirit. It can make one physically ill also. I shutter to think of working today, grateful that I am at home.

This morning, I forced myself to do some work around the house, but I got so tired, I came to bed and did some computer chores. I am sleepy but unable to sleep.

I’m not really sad, just physically uncomfortable and with an ennui of spirit that has me uninterested in anything. I have both of my phones turned off, having no desire to speak to anyone about anything. My sister-in-law, Lisa, and my nephew, Wil, are coming to stay overnight with me, and all I can imagine is how I will put forth some semblance of normalcy.

I start my new job on Monday (the one I have wished for and am anxious to start) and because we are expecting an ice storm on Sunday night and Monday, I am imagining the worst, fearing driving on the icy roads, wondering if the hospital will send for me if I can’t get out of my driveway. Maybe by then, I will be well enough to view the whole event as an adventure.

I’m attempting to stave this off. I have been writing, doing shitty little jobs that I have put off for months. I’m saving gym, but I am too exhausted to even attempt it. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll wake up as the real me.

I’m going to read some blog posts, something I have been remiss about of late. Maybe that will make my stomach stop hurting.

© cj Schlottman


Sue said...

I'm so sorry, CJ. I wish I could reach through the computer and offer some real comfort. All I can do is say that you are in my prayers, and I hope things improve sooner than later.


KeLLy aNN said...

Just to let you know, You're not alone.
I've been feeling it too.
I finally finished a painting today,
and a few minutes later I realized,
"hey, I feel pretty damn good"
so hang in there, vej for the weekend, take care of your Self.
If all else fails, slice open a lemon or orange, close your eyes, and take a deep breath of scent.
Or do some disco dancing.
It's allll good.

Linda @ A La Carte said...

I have felt like I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately. Why oh why is it one day I'm ready for life and the next I want to curl up in the bed and veg! Hang in there and maybe your new meds will help.

Kat said...

CJ, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Depression definitely manifests itself in physical symptoms, and it's such a tough road. I wish I could say something that would make it all go away, but we both know that's not possible. Know that you have lots of people that care about you and are praying for you. Hugs, Kat

Red Nomad OZ said...

Sorry to read about your troubles - hope today is a better day for you.

All the best for 2011!

Katie Gates said...

CJ, My heart goes out to you! I get in funks, but I don't seem to suffer from depression. (I guess I'd know, right?) I wondered, though, as I read your post, if maybe you were coming down with a flu? I guess it's hard to tell, when depression is always looming, if the physical manifestations are brain-connected or if they are simply physical. Anyway, I hope you are feeling better! Best wishes to you, Katie
P.S. Before I sign off, there's just something ironically perfect about the "word" I am about to verify. It's "const" Is that how you've been feeling???

Anonymous said...

Dear CJ,

I so know this feeling... I'm sorry you went through this. I'm reading this well over ten days since you posted it so I am definitely going to catch your latest post to see how thing went on your first day at your new job -

I could really relate to what you wrote... I truly hope that what you were feeling didn't last long...