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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Trust

Last Saturday, I put the silent butler back in it’s proper place against the wall on Clint’s side of the bed. I carefully reconstructed it in exactly the way is was before I undressed it and put it in the guest room. I thought I was ready to live without it, but clearly I was not. Combined with a medication change and the MF’s behavior, I was overwhelmingly sad and anxious and needed my security blanket. I have given myself permission to leave the silent butler in it’s place forever, if that’s what it takes. I may even give it a name.

The circumstances of my life over the last two weeks have me thinking about the power we to give to others. Trust is a powerful thing, and when we give it others, we open up ourselves up to the possibility of betrayal. I still feel the sting of the MF’s cruelty.

But how can we live our lives without trusting others? We would become paranoid and self-involved and closed to the possibilities of the rewards of friendship. To trust another is an act of courage, though I never thought about it in that way until the attack upon me by the MF, when I received the poisoned pen text messages that were so intentionally hurtful.

I took another blow when our mutual friend took his side, became his apologist. I trusted her, and as with him, it was misplaced. She also betrayed me. Will our friendship survive?

I will never know what brought on this monstrous attack because I will never ask. I have cut this man from my life as a surgeon might cut away a tumor. And I feel stronger every day. The sad news is that now I feel a little paranoid, wonder just who I can trust.

In my needy naiveté, I lost sight of what is good for me. I should have broken off this relationship months ago, when he first began breaking dates, lying and in general being an ass. I was so lonely, and because of that loneliness, I made ill conceived choices. For that, I take full responsibility.

I’m 62 years old, and I know I will not change. I cannot live my life not trusting others, and I suppose that means I will forever be at risk of being hurt. I’m glad I am who I am. I can take it. I really can.

This has reactivated my grief just when I thought I was making progress. Now I will start again, and again and again if necessary.


© cj Schlottman

4 comments:

Kat said...

I'm so glad that you moved the silent butler back where it belongs. Whatever gives you comfort should be embraced. Trust does leave us wide open for pain. But who wants to live their life in a sterile bubble? It seems to me that the MF and your other friend are going to be the big losers in this. And they really need to remember that Karma can be a grade A b***h! Hugs, Kat

Linda @ A La Carte said...

I live with someone who has almost not trust in anyone. It is so sad to me. I will not be like that, no matter how many times I am betrayed or hurt. I see what his life is like, I don't want that for myself. The pain will get better and you will trust again. Your sadness hindered some of your good sense in not breaking off with him sooner. Forgive yourself, trust yourself and move on!

Sue said...

I'm glad you refuse to let this destroy your willingness to trust people. There is always risk involved in every relationship, but if you reach out with caution at first and really listen to your heart, you will recognize those people you can count on.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself...We need to be able to trust in our own kindness, directed at ourselves, most of all.

=)

KeLLy aNN said...

Because, not all Trust will be broken.
and from those not broken, wonderful things will happen.